The Reality of Making Friends as an Adult
Slow Travelling brings its own type of challenges, but one thing I hear most people agree on is that making friends is one of the most common challenges. Especially when you get older, it can feel impossible to find people you want to connect with that not already have a settled friend group. When you move abroad, this is even more difficult because you have to start over from zero. This can be daunting and frustrating, and with family and old friends far away, it can feel incredibly lonely. Friendships take time and effort and are not built overnight, but I do believe that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are able to make new friends. But there are a few things that help make finding friends easier.
Why Making Friends When Slow Travelling is so Hard
Compared to more traditional (fast) travelling, slow travelling can make it harder to initially make friends, but also makes it easier to develop and maintain those friendships.
When you are travelling (fast), for example, backpacking, you make friends really easily. You might meet someone in a hostel dorm or at a bar. You have a few great days together, share experiences and drinks, and then your ways might part.
But when you slow travel, you will have a more settled routine, and you might not live in a hostel but an apartment. Making friends suddenly seems a lot more difficult, but once you have them, you have time to fully develop those friendships.
Why Friendships Are Important
Friendships are generally important for well-being. They help reduce stress and generally make us happier (we often underestimate how large the positive impact is). When you are living abroad, friendships are even more important because they represent your entire support network. Since your family is not around to help and support you, your friends will often have to fill that role.
The Key Principles of Friendship
Before you say ‘but I’m an introvert’ or ‘I’m naturally bad at making friends’, I want you to read the following key principles of friendship and think about how many of these you actually do.
Because I do acknowledge that some people are good at making friends naturally (I would consider myself one of those tbh), but I truly believe that making friends is a skill that can be learned. The people who are naturally good at making new friends just tend to do lots of these things intuitively without thinking about it.
Effort
Effort is the number one principle of making friends. If you are not putting in any effort, it will be incredibly hard to make friends. Not impossible since other people might be putting the effort in, but friendship is a giving and taking, and if you never put any effort in, I can almost guarantee you that you won’t be able to build solid, long-lasting friendships. (Sorry might be a hard pill to swallow).
But what does effort actually look like? I think when it comes to making friends, there are two types of effort: Procative and Reactive.
Proactive Effort
This describes the effort you make proactively. Going up to people at events, starting conversations, asking questions, inviting people to hangout etc. This type of effort does require a bit of confidence and might be very challenging for some people. Especially starting conversations with strangers can be intimidating. But it’s also almost a guaranteed way of making friends or at least meeting new people. And most of the time it doesn’t even require a lot of conversational skills, a ‘I like your shoes’ might break the ice.
Reactive Effort
While not everyone is able to put in proactive effort, I guarantee you that you are able to put in what I call reactive effort. This type of effort is basically the response to the proactive effort. Are you being asked to hangout with someone? Awesome, make time and say yes. Someone comes up to you at an event and starts a conversation? Amazing, now engage with them. Sounds very simple, but believe me, it’s not so obvious for everyone. The number of people I have continuously invited to hangouts and cancelled on me, but then they complained about how hard it is to make friends. And if you turn down someone’s invite constantly, they most likely will stop inviting you at some point. Friendships require work, but they shouldn’t feel hard. So even if you are more introverted and shy, if someone else is putting in proactive effort, give them some effort back.
Proximity
People often say, ‘It was so much easier to make friends when you were in school,’ and they are right. But do you know why? Because of a little thing called Proximity. Of course, it’s easier to make friends when you are spending the whole day together with people your age. They most likely will have similar experiences and interests to you. You see each other every day, you work on group projects together and can share your frustrations about homework and that one mean math teacher. You might now be thinking, great, but how does this help me make new friends when I’m older and moving abroad? Simple: you have to create proximity with people. Meaning, go join a gym, sports club, try new hobbies – doesn’t really matter what. What matters is that you show up regularly and that you are open to chat to people. If you see the same people over and over, you are very likely to make at least one or two friends. Because you are not only seeing them regularly, but you will have something in common (whatever hobby it is you do).
Time
Friendships, real friendships, do take time to grow and foster. You might be friendly with people, but finding someone you can really rely on as a friend does take time. So even if you do everything correctly with effort and proximity, you cannot force a friendship in one day. That said, effort is not a one-time thing either; genuine friendship takes effort over a longer period of time. But to be honest, when you enjoy someone’s company, the effort should not feel exhausting or like work. And if it does, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate if the people you are hanging out with are the right people for you.
Time to Make Friends
Once you understand these principles of making friends, it’s time to put them into practice. Go put yourself in new situations and show up regularly. Be open and friendly when someone approaches (or approach people yourself if you have the courage). And I guarantee you, making friends will suddenly become easier.
